Removing Toxins from your life.

Removing of Toxins in your life starts with yourself, most will tell you to remove people in your life first. Well, I personally tried Removing the person or persons first many times, that usually ended up backfiring in my face. I felt so defeated, that I withdrew from nearly everything going on in my life. I just allowed people to walk all over me, just so we would not fight; this ended up where no one cared about I thought or they did not understand me.

around 2004-2005 I had so many relations slap me hard in the face, accident at work, my kids did not want to move to Jacksonville fl., a bad custody battle, headaches and so on. I fell at work when a garbage bag broke while I was taking out, it was full of beer bottles. I ended up in chronic pain from head to toe, numbness in my fingers, hands, legs etc; worse of all a wheelchair was required. I knew I that if I stayed in that chair too long, I would stuck in that blasted chair until I died.

That is when I started to think about what I did to deserve this, I was so ashamed of myself for thinking this way that the depression creep in slowly. I gave up going to the doctors, PT, pain management and even became a hermit. in 2012-2014 my husband and I moved to a 10 acre horse farm with a house. this is were I felt I was ready to help others when I finally got a real house, that is were my first real moment of clarity started. Since I was not spending money on the doctors, because they keep telling me nothing was wrong; I decided to help my family and friends. I ended up in debt and arguing with my husband, daughter and worse of all; my self.

At this point I was using a cane to walk and I took a part time job, so I could us back on our feet. We lost our house by 2015, moved back in our trailer, struggled even harder to pay our bills and that is when I started to withdraw socially. I was fed up at this point, I need to get away because of the stress. So I tried to help my sister on the east coast, so I can avoid my own issues, I end up getting pissed off at what was happening; I tried to help her fix her issues. This is were the next moment of clarity hit; it was me. I desperately wanted to control the situation before it got out of hand. Oh shit, I it was slowly dawn on me, I was attracting that kind of toxic relationships.

decades of therapy, medications, too many heartbreaks and how I was trained not to argue with family lead me down a self destructing path. So it was time for me to sit down a do a reassessment of my life and goals, this started with writing down what I need to do for the day. No matter how small it was, I had to do it; no matter what it took. Here is a list of what I wrote...

Since moving from Chicago in 2004 what have I done:

* I held a taxpaying part time job for four years with the same company.

* I got my arse out of the wheelchair.

* I became an ordained minster in 2013.

* I could with time cleaning up my yard of leaves, branches and vines.

* a small flower garden to enjoy and have weddings in.

* I married a sweet man (who claimed he was and is an asshole) in 2005.

* I allowed my children to be happy by letting them stay with family.

* Learned to settle down a bit for a couple of years instead days.

I believed that this was enough to keep me going, so why is my life still fucked up? I kept hearing people could not understand me, so I prayed to the gods to help me learn to be clearer when I spoke or wrote something down. At this point I have been off of all kinds Psychotropic meds for about a total of 10 years, because some of those meds are used to treat headaches. So back in 2018 after two fail attempts for a promotion I took a lower paying sales job at truck stop. The stress levels were so high at that job that it was triggering burning migraines, so I started to go back to the doctor on a regular basis; this started to finacally drain me.

I had what I call another waking seizure, I ended up going to a neurologist, getting brain scans and other tests. at this time they found hard cysts in my breasts, I had sleep apnea and they found cysts pockets on my brain scan. I knew the cysts were not cancerous but this warranting me to get another contrast mri of my brain in six months. durning this time I started to feel a littler better about myself; I was not lying about what has been medically wrong with me for years now.

the last scan came back in December 2018, a Chiara Malformation was found and my brain is peek out 4-5 mm. So basically my skull is too small for my brain. the symptoms are similar to Psychiatric mental health conditions; violent mood swings, irritability, lack of sleep etc. what the fuck, I was misdiagnosed years ago, this was another moment clarity that hit me hard back in December; not even a few months has gone by since this happened. I left the job at the truck stop for another sales job so I can try to pay the hospital bills as well as my living expenses.

As I was looking for a hospital to do my surgery to relived the pressure and pain, I also found out about the numbness, gripping issues, walking issues and a massive weight loss were also part of my conditions. At this point I realized I have no time to waste on bullshit; I was a toxic person to myself, so I need to fix me before the surgery. My new job helps out with the motivation I need to help me self and in a matter of weeks, I was empowering myself. I have an awesome flow chart with steps, goals and rewards when I complete the goals. It looks like a kids chart but it works because I am the one creating it.

I are still working these goals even if it aggravates my conditions, life and even work; because I need to stop being a toxic Person to myself before I completely remove other toxic people from my life. I am still learning to be clear and to the point, because of some of the memory loss and pain that is associated with my conditions; but each day I am getting closer to achieving that goal because I write things down more then I did 10 years ago.

I know the blog is longer, but I did say last week's Spring Cleaning blog was the easiest task.

Home work:

1. write down what you have accomplished since high school.

2. What you believe is all your flaws (Trust me, next weeks blog with show you how to turn this from a weakness to a strength)

3. Make doctors appointments to make sure what is happen to you is not a medical or mental health issue that needs to be addressed.

4. Record yourself once in awhile just to see how you are physically acting and your tone of speech. (I did this with my new job with a presentation script and got the shocker of my life)

5. Listen closely when others are saying about you; this includes rumors. (I am not saying believe the rumors, I am saying listen to the tone, read what they are writing about you and what the person true motive is why they are doing that.)

6. Do not get frustrated if you have not finish this by next Sunday, because we are touching back on this assignment.

7. Write down a immediate goal that is simple and can be achieved easily, example: waking up at five am to start your day.

8. Check out motivational speakers like, Tim Robbins, John Maxwell, Kevin Hart (Yes even him), Will smith or even a role model like Martin Luther King Jr. Take notes while watching the videos and this will be ongoing task through out the change.

9. Never give up writing things down. because sometimes there are 100 of things that could be hold you back and you need to identify the ones that need to be addressed first.

10. Give yourself a pat on the back once in a while when you complete a goal, this will help your ego a bit; just do not overfeed your ego because it will get out of control.

Do not overthink any one of those tasks and assignments, if you still need time to work on something it is okay to move on to the next homework assignment. All you are looking for is a completion of the task or assignment, not a quick fix for the moment. each blog will revise, revisit even inspire you to keep moving on as well as how to adapt to positive changes and even how to deal with the negative changes in your life.

Have a blessed week my sisters and brothers!